Couples Counseling

Dr. Westberg

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped countless couples enhance their connections and work through complex issues. I previously served as a Professor in the Marriage, Couple, and Family Therapy Program at Lewis and Clark College in Portland, Oregon, where I developed and led the Sex Therapy Track, guiding future therapists in their education and clinical training.

I support couples facing a wide range of concerns, including relational conflict, communication challenges, desire discrepancies, sexual trauma, infidelity, and performance issues, helping them rebuild trust and intimacy.

The Role of Couples Counseling in Building Strong Relationships

Couples counseling is essential for navigating the complexities of intimate relationships. Even the strongest relationships can benefit from professional guidance when faced with challenges such as communication breakdowns, conflict, or mismatched desires. In couples counseling sessions, I work with clients to enhance their relationship through improved communication, trust-building, and conflict resolution.

One of the key areas we explore in couples counseling is the concept of “erotic mismatch,” which refers to discrepancies in sexual desire or the dynamics of BDSM and other alternative sexual practices. By addressing these issues openly and honestly, couples can develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and desires, leading to a more fulfilling and connected relationship.

Conflict Resolution: Navigating Disagreements Constructively

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle it can make all the difference in maintaining a healthy and loving connection. In couples counseling, conflict resolution is a critical component of the work we do together. The goal is not to eliminate disagreements but to manage them in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than eroding it.

Effective conflict resolution involves several key strategies:

Active Listening: Truly hearing and understanding your partner’s perspective is the first step in resolving any conflict. Active listening requires you to focus on what your partner is saying without interrupting, offering judgments, or immediately defending your position.
Empathy and Validation: Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s point of view, acknowledging their feelings and showing empathy can diffuse tension and create a more collaborative atmosphere for finding solutions.
Finding Common Ground: Instead of focusing on differences, successful conflict resolution often involves identifying areas of agreement. This can help both partners feel like they’re on the same team, working towards a shared goal.
Compromise and Flexibility: Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to compromise. This doesn’t mean one person always gives in, but rather that both parties make adjustments to meet each other halfway.
Taking Breaks: When conflicts escalate, it’s sometimes best to take a step back. A short break can allow both partners to cool down and return to the conversation with a clearer, more constructive mindset.

By learning and practicing these conflict resolution techniques, couples can navigate disagreements in a way that builds trust, understanding, and a deeper connection. In therapy, we work on these skills to ensure that conflicts do not become roadblocks but rather opportunities for growth and strengthening your relationship.

The Importance of Communication

At the core of every successful relationship is the ability to communicate effectively. Communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about truly connecting with your partner on an emotional level. In couples counseling, we delve into the nuances of communication to help partners express themselves more clearly, listen more attentively, and understand each other more deeply.

Here are some key aspects of effective communication that we focus on in therapy:

Active Listening: This involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what your partner is saying. Active listening is not just about hearing words but understanding the emotions behind them. It’s about giving your partner your full attention, without distractions, and validating their feelings and perspectives.
Nonverbal Communication: Often, what isn’t said is just as important as what is. Nonverbal cues like body language, eye contact, and tone of voice play a crucial role in how messages are received. We work on becoming more aware of these signals and ensuring that your nonverbal communication aligns with your verbal messages.
Clear and Honest Expression: Being able to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and honestly is vital in any relationship. This involves not just speaking your truth but doing so in a way that is respectful and considerate of your partner’s feelings. We practice techniques that help you articulate your needs and desires without blame or judgment.
Empathy and Understanding: True communication goes beyond words; it’s about building a bridge of understanding. This means not only expressing your own feelings but also being willing to see things from your partner’s perspective. In therapy, we focus on developing empathy, which allows you to connect with your partner on a deeper level.
Emotional Regulation: Effective communication often depends on your ability to manage your emotions. When feelings run high, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. We work on strategies for emotional regulation, helping you to stay calm and present in conversations, even when discussing difficult topics.
Avoiding Assumptions: Miscommunication often stems from assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. We emphasize the importance of asking questions and clarifying rather than assuming. This approach helps prevent misunderstandings and promotes a clearer, more honest exchange of ideas.

By honing these communication skills, couples can create a stronger foundation of mutual understanding. When partners feel heard, understood, and respected, their bond deepens, and they are better equipped to navigate the challenges of life together.

Building Trust in Relationships

Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Without it, even the strongest connection can falter. Trust is built and maintained through consistent, honest, and reliable behavior over time. In couples counseling, we work on strategies to build and rebuild trust, especially when it has been damaged by past experiences such as infidelity or betrayal.

Here’s how we approach trust-building in therapy:

Transparency and Honesty: Being open and honest with your partner is fundamental to building trust. This means being truthful not only about significant issues but also about the everyday details of your life. Transparency helps to eliminate doubts and fears, creating a foundation of trust that can weather challenges.
Consistent Behavior: Trust is built on the predictability of your actions. When your words align with your actions, your partner learns that they can rely on you. In therapy, we explore ways to ensure that your behavior consistently reflects your commitments and promises.
Accountability: Taking responsibility for your actions, especially when you’ve made a mistake, is crucial for maintaining trust. Admitting faults, apologizing sincerely, and making amends can prevent issues from festering and eroding trust.
Setting and Respecting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries and respecting your partner’s limits is essential in building trust. Boundaries protect both partners and help to ensure that each person feels safe and respected within the relationship.
Forgiveness and Healing: Trust can be fragile, especially if it has been broken. Part of rebuilding trust involves the willingness to forgive and move forward. Therapy can help couples navigate the complex emotions involved in forgiveness and provide tools for healing together.
Emotional Safety: Trust isn’t just about knowing your partner won’t betray you; it’s also about feeling emotionally safe with them. In therapy, we focus on creating an environment where both partners feel secure enough to be vulnerable, knowing they won’t be judged or criticized.
Shared Goals and Values: Trust is strengthened when partners are aligned in their goals and values. By working together to identify and pursue common objectives, couples can build a deeper sense of partnership and mutual respect.

By focusing on these aspects of trust, couples can create a relationship that is not only resilient but also deeply connected. Trust allows for greater intimacy, as partners feel secure enough to share their true selves with each other.

Addressing Trauma and Its Impact on Relationships

Trauma, whether related to past experiences of sexual abuse or other forms of relational trauma, can significantly impact a person’s ability to experience pleasure and intimacy. In therapy, we delve into these deep-seated issues to help clients process their trauma and move forward in their relationships. This involves not only emotional regulation techniques but also redefining personal narratives around value, security, and self-worth.

Exploring Alternative Relationship Structures

Today’s relationships come in many forms, and traditional monogamy is just one of many possible structures. Whether you’re exploring non-monogamy, polyamory, or other alternative relationship models, it’s essential to have open and honest conversations about boundaries, expectations, and desires. In therapy, we provide guidance on how to navigate these complex dynamics while maintaining a strong, healthy relationship.

Therapeutic Approaches for Couples

Several evidence-based therapeutic approaches can be particularly effective in helping couples navigate their challenges and build stronger, healthier relationships. Here are some of the most widely recognized approaches:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is a structured approach to couples therapy that focuses on the emotional bonds between partners. The primary goal of EFT is to create secure attachment bonds by helping couples identify and express their underlying emotional needs. Through this process, couples can move away from negative patterns of interaction and towards more positive, supportive connections.

EFT is grounded in attachment theory, which posits that humans have an innate need for secure emotional bonds with significant others. In therapy, we work on identifying and addressing the emotional triggers that lead to conflict, fostering a deeper understanding and empathy between partners. EFT has been shown to be effective in reducing relationship distress, with studies indicating that approximately 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and 90% show significant improvements.

The Gottman Method

Created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this approach is based on extensive research into what makes relationships succeed or fail. The Gottman Method involves a thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship and integrates a range of interventions designed to improve communication, increase intimacy, and reduce conflict.

One of the key components of the Gottman Method is the “Sound Relationship House” theory, which outlines the building blocks of a strong relationship, such as trust, commitment, and emotional connection. The therapy sessions often focus on enhancing the couple’s “love maps” (an understanding of each other’s worlds), fostering fondness and admiration, and turning towards each other instead of away during conflicts. The Gottman Method is particularly effective for couples dealing with high levels of conflict or those seeking to strengthen their relationship in the long term.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples

CBT is a well-established therapeutic approach that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. When applied to couples, CBT helps partners recognize and alter cognitive distortions that lead to relationship problems. This approach is particularly effective in addressing issues like communication problems, conflict resolution, and negative interaction patterns.

In couples therapy, CBT may involve exercises such as identifying and challenging negative thoughts about one’s partner, learning new communication skills, and practicing positive behaviors that enhance the relationship. By focusing on concrete changes in thinking and behavior, CBT helps couples develop healthier patterns of interaction.

Imago Relationship Therapy

Imago Therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, focuses on helping couples understand the unconscious dynamics that influence their relationship. The therapy posits that our early childhood experiences shape our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. In therapy, couples explore these influences to better understand their own needs and their partner’s needs.

A central technique in Imago Therapy is the “Imago Dialogue,” a structured conversation that allows partners to communicate more effectively by mirroring, validating, and empathizing with each other’s feelings. This process helps couples move from blame and criticism to understanding and connection, fostering deeper intimacy and healing.

Narrative Therapy

Narrative Therapy is a therapeutic approach that focuses on the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and relationships. In couples counseling, Narrative Therapy helps partners reframe the narratives they hold about their relationship, moving from negative, problem-focused stories to more empowering and positive ones.

By externalizing problems (viewing the problem as something outside of the relationship rather than as a characteristic of the individuals), couples can work together to address issues without blaming each other. This approach encourages partners to create new, positive narratives that support growth and change in the relationship.

These therapeutic approaches provide a structured framework for couples to explore their challenges, improve their relationship dynamics, and build a more fulfilling and resilient partnership. By incorporating these evidence-based methods into couples counseling, we can tailor the therapy to meet the unique needs of each couple, ensuring a comprehensive and effective approach to relationship healing and growth.

Understanding Sex Therapy and Its Benefits

Sex therapy is a specialized form of counseling that addresses sexual health concerns, both emotional and physical. It is not just for individuals experiencing sexual dysfunction; it can also benefit anyone looking to enhance their sexual relationship and overall intimacy. Whether you’re dealing with issues such as infidelity, sexual desire discrepancies, or difficulties with orgasm, sex therapy can provide a safe space to explore and address these challenges.

For over two decades, I’ve had the privilege of working with individuals and couples to resolve a wide range of sexual health issues. My approach is rooted in empathy, evidence-based practices, and a commitment to fostering shame-free, healthy sexual relationships. Certified by both AASECT and the American Board of Sexology, my work focuses on helping clients achieve their sexual and relational goals through personalized and compassionate care.

How To Choose A Couple's Therapist

Training and Specialization: Look for a therapist specifically trained in couples therapy. Their expertise in relationship dynamics is crucial for effective treatment. Someone that holds a Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) degree is trained to work with couples. However, credentials don’t necessarily make for a good therapist.
Experience with Relational Trauma: Ask about the therapist’s experience in handling relational trauma, as this can significantly impact your relationship.
Approach to Communication Issues: Ensure the therapist has a strong approach to addressing communication barriers, which are often at the core of relationship struggles.
Handling Intimacy: Consider a therapist who understands how to navigate differences in emotional and physical intimacy needs.
Comprehensive Therapeutic Approach: The therapist should integrate behavioral, cognitive, relational, and contextual factors, including any past traumas that impact your relationship.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Ensure the therapist is skilled in conflict resolution, teaching you techniques to manage disagreements constructively.
Comfort with Diverse Relationships: If applicable, ensure the therapist is experienced with diverse relationship structures, including LGBTQ+, non-monogamous, or culturally diverse couples.
Therapeutic Style: Ask about their therapeutic style and ensure it aligns with your needs, whether it’s more structured, exploratory, or solution-focused.
Success with Long-Term Issues: Inquire about their experience with long-standing relationship issues and their strategies for working with deeply rooted problems.
Personal Connection: Feeling comfortable and understood by your therapist is essential.