Think about when you first met. What did you do to get the other person to like you and eventually have sex with you? Did you show up in sweatpants, without a shower, and in a foul mood? Probably not, because that would not get you laid.

We often think that sex should happen after we have secured the relationship. But this is not true, especially for responsive desire. Responsive desire opens up with connection, harmony, beauty, fun, ease, playfulness, and adventure. You may think you shouldn’t have to work for it, but you won’t get laid. It’s as simple as that. Responsive desire doesn’t respond to loyalty duty or payback. It doesn’t matter how often you have done the dishes; if you aren’t creating a connection, responsive desire will be shut down.

How much of what you did in the beginning are you doing now? Are you inviting the person out? Are you thinking about them and what they like? Do you flirt with them? Do you show interest in them? Do you try and have fun?

If not, you need to start putting in the effort. Some people will tell me that they are willing to put in the effort if the other person can guarantee some reward. This is not the attitude one adopts at the beginning of the relationship. There are no guarantees.

Begin to see your interactions as a series of first dates that are on repeat!